Mike Moore’s Revenge

27 12 2007

By the age of 17, Mike Moore was one of the gayest men in his high school. He was a stud pitcher for the varsity team, was dating the prettiest girl in his school, and being scouted by the Seattle Mariners ball club. It was not an uncommon sight seeing him skip from class to class whistling a tune of love. After all, Mike’s life was as close to perfect as imaginable. That all changed on a tragic night on Mike’s 21st birthday. Having just been drafted by the Mariners, Mike and his high school sweetheart & and now wife were going out to celebrate when the unthinkable happened. After a night of binging on Crack future slugger Kevin Mitchell mistakenly beheaded Mike’s wife thinking it was actually his girlfriend hiding his Coke. On that day Mike Moore lost his smile.

Mike would eventually go on to become an underrated star pitcher for Seattle, Oakland, & even Detroit but for 14 years in the majors he never once cracked a smile. Before a game he would show up after hours of searching the ghettos of South Central, Watts, & Compton looking to avenge his wife’s murder but could never find Kevin Mitchell. He would go on to pitch 8 innings, strike out 7, give up 3 runs and go back on his manhunt for Mitchell, who was now a home run hero in the unlikeliest of places, San Fransisco. For Major League Baseball, it was imperative to put a happy face on all its players and every photographer was given the task of catching Mike smiling so they could put it on a baseball card for kids to collect but every single one of them failed.

In 1995, at the age of 35, Mike could no longer control his anger & rage and lost 15 games that season. Without as much as a goodbye Mike shaved his head, bought an arsenal of weapons, and flew to the jungles of Colombia, where rumors were flying about a big, monkey-looking man killing gangs of guerillas with nothing but his bare hands. Unfortunately for Mike, that fabled killer was just Andres Galarraga.

Mike Moore was never heard from again. Some believe he was another victim of the monkey-man Galarrage but others believe he became the most powerful gang leader in all of Colombia. In fact, there have been stories written about Mike Moore’s powers and Wax Heaven has found a few that are now going to be published for the first time ever!!!

Guns don’t kill people. Mike Moore kills People.


There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Mike Moore allows to live.


Mike Moore does not sleep. He waits.


Mike Moore has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.


The leading causes of death in Colombia are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Mike Moore 3. Cancer


When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Mike Moore.


Mike Moore doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.


Mike Moore counted to infinity – twice.


Mike Moore can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.


Mike Moore’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Mike Moore.


Mike Moore once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.


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3 responses

27 12 2007
Dylan

Mitchell beheaded Moore’s wife? I hadn’t heard that. I thought Mitchell beheaded a cat…

27 12 2007
Mario C.

I suck at comedy.😦

10 11 2010
samoore

i don’t believe any of those things are true. you ask yourself why this is? it’s because i know the exact whereabouts of mike moore and in fact live in his home.

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